Devour

I am going to do something regrettable now.

Whimsy, it seems,
is the good mood of a cynic,
and whimsical mutterings
at 3am serve to blot out
screaming thoughts of

nothing.

My ink-stained fingertips trace the outline
on the wall of my rented flat.
I don't
understand.
The ceiling's filled with cracks and
I wish to be on the beach,
buried up to my neck in sand
so that these fingertips can go numb
and no longer
turn the pages of our

romance novel.

Clueless,
I can't think of a better word
as we watch some terrible b-movie and
I can see your Adam's apple
poking out of your pulled up collar.
Do you think you're Elvis?
You don't have the hair or the voice
but I edge my way along the sofa,
waiting for you to make me feel
all
shook
up.

You a vegetarian and I a carnivore
I garnish my steak with your sweat
and eat it raw.
I have to be careful to wait until you're gone
Because you and I both know this is wrong
and if the others knew that
you really eat meat
they'd
judge
us.

Lies.
I am by my nature honest
but also, I'm a sinner.

So we continue watching.

© Hayley Charlesworth

He Lives In My Flat

Tim
Sat with his feet up on the settee
Watching a football game
And drinking lager.
The girls sat around him
And treated him as their own.
Tim didn't know any other boys at university
Except the ever-missing Richard
Whose blond hair bounced like drunks on a pogo stick.
Tim didn't mind having a majority of females
In fact, it made him feel special
So he handed out jaffa cakes
And listened to them taking the piss out of his home town
Milton Keynes.

© Hayley Charlesworth

The Self-Reflective Memoirs Of A David Bowie Fan (The University Blues)

I may not be a world-renowned doctorate of psychology
But I bagged myself four A Levels, and I’m doing a degree
I’ve never been to New York, and I know you’ll be surprised
To find my alcohol intake of this week is enough to make Keith Richards weep,
And my blood-sugar levels are reaching sky-high
And if you’ve read my work before
I thank you for coming back for more
But I know you’re just expecting me
To mention David Bowie.

I wasn’t born in the 70s, though I love it’s music scene
I wasn’t born in the 90s, when the fashion was just obscene
I got here in the 80s, when Adam Ant was all the rage
And Gary Glitter became a paedo, the Tories were not nice to know,
And my mother’s hair was in it’s bouffant stage
And if you’ve read my work before
I thank you for coming back for more
But I know you’re just expecting me
To mention David Bowie.

Because David Bowie is my hero
He sings and he wears nice shoes
He played the Goblin King in Labyrinth
And his crotch had a starring role too
And if you ever say that a band like The Twang
Can write a better song than
Life On Mars,
I’ll kick you in your nadgers!

I never went to a school with kids called Tarquin or Giles
I never liked that song about walking a thousand miles
I never once gave up my embarrassing love of Bon Jovi
Although my iPod sports The Darkness, and the guy who plays Jack Harkness,
So I long ago lost my credibility
And if you’ve read my work before
I thank you for coming back for more
But I know you’re just expecting me
To mention David Bowie.

My sister is a professional dancer, so I’m jealous that she’s thinner than me
My best friends are pianists and artists, while I play the ukulele
But I am a writer, and one day a film-maker too
And I always win the pub quiz every single time I go in
But I’m sure I’ll be banned from it soon.
And if you’ve read my work before
I thank you for coming back for more
But I know you’re just expecting me
To mention David Bowie.

I sometimes wish I was David Bowie
He’s so much cooler than me
He got to tour the entire world
While I’m stuck at university
And if you ever say that a band like The Twang
Can write a better song than
Life On Mars,
I’ll kick you in your nadgers!

I’ve never swam the English Channel or made poverty history
I never learned to ride a bike or basic water safety
I don’t even have a donor card or know my blood type
But I know random useless trivia, like the capital of Bolivia
And I can also when sober touch-type
And if you’ve read my work before
I thank you for coming back for more
But I know you’re just expecting me
To mention David Bowie.

Another impressive fact to add to my CV
Is that I’ve had poems published in an anthology
Although two poems isn’t a quantity of merit in my degree
I think that it makes for a healthy start
In crafting my so-called ‘art’
Though my work’s just pale imitations of comedy
And if you’ve read my work before
I thank you for coming back for more
But I know you’re just expecting me
To mention David Bowie

David Bowie’s an inspiration
I write silly songs about him
He wrote the song from my favourite TV show
Starring a bloke called John Simm
And if you ever say that the Arctic Monkeys
Or other bands from NME
Or the cast of Hollyoaks
In fact any other soap
Or even Gandhi
Is cooler than Bowie,
Your taste is just appalling.

© Hayley Charlesworth